Currently living in a society that promotes the idea the color of your skin or the neighborhood you live in determines the amount of grace and consideration you require being handled by government agents? Have you or your friends been treated completely inappropriately by a person who is paid by your taxes and, in every meaning of the word, is a servant to your safety? Does reading almost any history book cause you to spiral into a depressive fit of rage? Then there is a high probability you are black. Or at least not pale enough or not surrounded by enough pale people to be considered full white. We sincerely apologize. But if this is the case, we developed a world-changing application specifically for you!

We call it Phone a White Friend, and it will start benefiting your life immediately.

We have an incredible team of Caucasian volunteers, armed to the teeth with GoPro’s, bright polo shirts and khakis every color other than khaki. These glowing white people could very really save your life. Just download the inexpensive Phone a White Friend app onto your smart device, and with the press of a button, no matter where you are, white people will start to show up.

Each volunteer has undergone extensive training, and knows to only casually approach a situation while both appearing appalled and holding a smartphone device carefully with two hands, as if it might fall apart any moment. If further assistance is needed, your white friend will call for backup. Pretty soon there will be a small crowd of well dressed white men and women watching and recording any event they should happen upon. Should an officer of the law be involved, our team is trained to express very particular taglines to further aid your situation: “See, this is why father became a senator” or “did you know that prior to assessing a person’s health risk, a taser is not technically non-lethal” or in quite serious circumstances “oh my god, isn’t that Morgan Freeman’s…(they will insert a relation based on customer’s age and gender).

This groundbreaking application has many obvious functions, but Phone a White Friend could be used anywhere, anytime. If you need to win a political argument, or if you encounter a casual racist, you can just request your white friend and within minutes someone will have to re-explain their point or joke while your white friend listens and shakes their head.

This day and age, some things are getting harder and harder to understand, so rather than waiting for white people to actually care about you, download Phone a White Friend today!

The app that makes “mighty white of you” way more than just a phrase!