Phone a White Friend

Currently living in a society that promotes the idea the color of your skin or the neighborhood you live in determines the amount of grace and consideration you require being handled by government agents? Have you or your friends been treated completely inappropriately by a person who is paid by your taxes and, in every meaning of the word, is a servant to your safety? Does reading almost any history book cause you to spiral into a depressive fit of rage? Then there is a high probability you are black. Or at least not pale enough or not surrounded by enough pale people to be considered full white. We sincerely apologize. But if this is the case, we developed a world-changing application specifically for you!

We call it Phone a White Friend, and it will start benefiting your life immediately.

We have an incredible team of Caucasian volunteers, armed to the teeth with GoPro’s, bright polo shirts and khakis every color other than khaki. These glowing white people could very really save your life. Just download the inexpensive Phone a White Friend app onto your smart device, and with the press of a button, no matter where you are, white people will start to show up.

Each volunteer has undergone extensive training, and knows to only casually approach a situation while both appearing appalled and holding a smartphone device carefully with two hands, as if it might fall apart any moment. If further assistance is needed, your white friend will call for backup. Pretty soon there will be a small crowd of well dressed white men and women watching and recording any event they should happen upon. Should an officer of the law be involved, our team is trained to express very particular taglines to further aid your situation: “See, this is why father became a senator” or “did you know that prior to assessing a person’s health risk, a taser is not technically non-lethal” or in quite serious circumstances “oh my god, isn’t that Morgan Freeman’s…(they will insert a relation based on customer’s age and gender).

This groundbreaking application has many obvious functions, but Phone a White Friend could be used anywhere, anytime. If you need to win a political argument, or if you encounter a casual racist, you can just request your white friend and within minutes someone will have to re-explain their point or joke while your white friend listens and shakes their head.

This day and age, some things are getting harder and harder to understand, so rather than waiting for white people to actually care about you, download Phone a White Friend today!

The app that makes “mighty white of you” way more than just a phrase!

Those who trust can be trusted.

White men are not white.
Nor are white women white.
All skin hidden under the thick roof of a house stays white.
Sweating beneath thick coat suits and sheened pleated pants.
Pale. Like a ghost wants hidden.
All shy skin, grown colorless over time, needs no more than shame.
Naked shame in the face of a scrutinizing sun.

For a few days in summer white glows like light reflected off salt-dripping skin.
The heat of whole afternoons bakes bread red as the clay beneath feet.
Red like the dirt bodies burn red turning all day.

By the time the leaves on the trees are brown
white women and men will be brown also.

After two or three honest summers,
white becomes what you call someone
who sits too long in the shade.

An Ironically Open Letter to the Alt-Right

Isn’t it control alt delete? Wasn’t sure if you were freezing up on an old screen, I have to do that as well when what I’m looking at fails to update how I want it to.

Moving on, you really like paper work don’t you? Bureaucracy seems to have become more a philosophy in your movement. I mean it might be hard for you to see a person as a person without checking their driver’s license first, am I right? Something about their image and name and height and weight and birth date all on a little laminated card between fingers. That has to be an intriguing experience for someone who believes identity lives in skin.

But as far as race, that is not skin color, correct? I sometimes burn old magazines and newspapers to start fires, and every now and again this really interesting thing happens, where a book on fire will actually turn its pages as it burns. If you get a chance in the next few years, take a look at a science book or two as it gives you its dying attempt at seeding information anywhere other than solely on paper. We are all all races. You, white man, are an African. This is not climate change. This is not human ownership of such a process. This is not environmentalism. That is not disputed science. We have read our genetic code like it were some special form of government identification, and it read we all come up one continent. We have genetic codes for every color skin all wrapped up in ours. Look at it this way, the way you look is more about the doorway you passed through coming into the world, than the room you were in before you took a step forward. Those last few generations of skin color and nose shape and eye color and hair type, the tip of an iceberg of genetic information stored just beneath the surface. So you’re going to have to claim and build this identitarian ethic all on your own. It has no foundation in truth.

And gender. That is half your fucking species man. That is your mother. Your daughter. Your sister. Hopefully your friend. They don’t have to whoop you in an arm wrestling competition to convince you you don’t exist without them. We are equal by necessity you bozo. We represent that fact in pay, protections, access and respect, not because its right or a nice thing to do or a special gift for your lady. You do that because it is reality. Women are not an ingredient in the stew, they’re the fucking water you start with. They’re half the equation. You strengthen and improve their way of life, their self-esteem, the respect offered them by their society, you enhance the entire system in one fell swoop. You support half of all of our foundation when you right this equation. You might feel good when you buy her flowers. But give her your eyes as an equal, and you will see the superhero you’ve been keeping in the kitchen. She walks city streets having lived through your worst fears head high, shoes sharp, face painted. She has heard words, and felt pressures, and experienced pain you don’t know exist. Learn them. Gain a friend. An equal. Make our species whole. Keep the flowers. Make the world ours. Because it will die if it stays mine.

That being said, a little advice for your ethic. I would love to be hated for the color of my skin. For being a man. For some externally perceived categorical assessment of my identity. Puts me in the perfect place to practice powers you won’t believe exist in my category. Allows me access to so much more subversive development of ideas and plans. Get to know me, talk to me, even feign friendliness just to access some better, more nuanced understanding of the answers to who, and how, and why, and what for and what all I am, and more importantly, all I intend. To put it simply, empathy and consideration are keys to greater hate. Just saying. Try it. Even if the sole motivation is ‘how the hell can we hate these people just a little more effectively?’ But I get the feeling that’s not going to happen. Not while this nice neat little laminated card stock photo identification stays cradled between those peachy white well callused fingers. You don’t want to know me. You want the me that can be erased from the world by a pair of scissors. Which is why my movement will always be stronger than yours. You have numbers.

But we, the people.